"You Can Be Intimidating": What I Learned From the Feedback I Nearly Ignored

By Jane Cox

I'm 25, fresh out of the Bass Graduate Programme, the first intake to include women, no less.  On top of that, I’m a proud Essex Girl newly dispatched up north, armed with data from the till system, a passion for pubs, and a well-thumbed retail standards manual. What could possibly go wrong? 😊

Plenty, as it turns out , especially when you arrive with enthusiasm, big expectations, and not the faintest clue about northern pub culture or how your southern energy might land.

It’s the 90s, long before I’d learnt how to coach, or even that coaching was a thing. I'm working in the bustling world of pub retail, where every detail counts, and I love it. I love the pace, the people, the noise, the constant buzz of figuring things out. I’m an area manager, I’m competitive and I know standards matter.  I can walk into a pub and spot ten things that aren’t quite right before I’ve even taken off my coat.

So when someone gave me the feedback that I was “intimidating”… I was floored.

What?

Me?

No seriously, that's not me!!

It didn’t fit my self-image at all. I saw myself as helpful. Positive. A fixer. Not someone who made people nervous. And to make it worse, the feedback came with no examples. No “when you said X” or “when you did Y.” Just the word “intimidating” left hanging in the air like a bad smell. I dismissed it, told myself it wasn’t fair. I ruminated on it (for longer than I’d care to admit), but I didn’t reflect. And I definitely didn’t ask.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was doing something a lot of us do,  especially when we’re still finding our feet as leaders. I was defending my intent instead of getting curious about my impact. I risked creating a culture where feedback wasn’t welcomed, and where people might stop telling me the stuff I needed to hear.

Eventually, I plucked up the courage to lean in. I got curious instead of defensive. And that small shift , being willing to explore rather than explain,  taught me a lot. Here are five lessons I’ve never forgotten:

1) Mind your presence

Ok, let's start with physical presence. When you're a tall woman (6ft in heels) and in a position of power, it matters more than you think. Looming over someone at their desk isn’t the best way to open a coaching conversation. I learned to sit down, slow down, and to meet people at their eye level, literally and figuratively.

2) Don’t lead with the list

Yes, I could spot what was wrong in an instant. Detail was, and still is one of my superpowers. But starting every pub visit with “Right, we’ve got a problem with lipstick on the glasses, blown bulbs, out of date POS, that smell coming from the cellar” wasn’t exactly motivating. I learned a better approach was to take a walk-through. Ask questions. Let the other person see it for themselves. Growth comes from ownership, not just instruction.

3) Use a Feedback model.  It really does help.

Feedback isn’t about catching people out,  it’s about helping them get better. When I discovered the COIN model (Context, Observation, Impact, Next Steps), it was a revelation. Suddenly I had a way of giving feedback that was structured, specific, and actually landed.

I learnt how to deliver facts in non-judgmental way. I quickly recognised that tailoring the Impact part of the feedback to things that actually mattered to the other person, meant you got better results. Phew! Cos I needed them!

4) Change your story about feedback.

For a long time, feedback felt like something to avoid, to brace for, or to deflect. But when I started seeing it as data not drama, something to seek out rather than fear, it changed everything. It opened up better conversations. And for me, this was the real starting point for personal growth.

5) Practice receiving well.

Eventually, I learned that feedback isn’t just about how you give it. How you receive it matters too. The Pause, Reflect, Respond approach helped me stay grounded (and not immediately go into “Well that’s not fair!” mode). It took practice, but it paid off.

A simple thank you lets people know you appreciate their feedback, and keeps it coming.

Looking back, I’m grateful for that slightly awkward, frustrating moment , the one I nearly ignored. It gave me the nudge I needed to learn, grow, and lead in a better way.

So if you're a leader and someone gives you feedback that makes you wince. Resist the urge to shut it down. Get curious. There might be gold in there.

If you’d like to learn more about how to give or receive feedback well, or explore how our programmes could support your people and organisation please get in touch here. 

Author: Jane Cox

Jane is one our Work Stories founders and resident executive coach. To find out more about Jane click HERE