Work Stories: The Conversation I Kept Putting Off (And What It Was Costing Me)

By Jayne Reah

From the coaching room. She came into our first session with a long list of things she wanted to work on. Strategy. Stakeholder management. Building a high performing team.

We got through about ten minutes before the real thing surfaced.

There was someone on her team. Bright, experienced, well-liked by everyone above her. And quietly, subtly, undermining everything this leader was trying to build. Not dramatically. Nothing you could put your finger on in a formal sense. Just... a constant, low-level static. Eye rolls in meetings. Conspicuous sighs. The odd comment that landed just the wrong side of the line.

"Have you spoken to her about it?" I asked.

A pause. "I've been meaning to." She'd been meaning to for seven months.

The avoidance spiral

What strikes me in sessions like this is how much energy goes into not having the conversation. There's the mental rehearsal of how badly it could go. The rationalisation, maybe it'll settle down, maybe I'm overreacting. The constant low-level dread that follows you into your weekend.

And all of that is exhausting. It takes up space that should be used for actual leading.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team notices. They always do. When a leader doesn't address behaviour that falls below the bar, the bar quietly drops for everyone. People draw their own conclusions about what's acceptable. And some of your best people start wondering if this is really a place where standards are held.

Avoidance doesn't preserve peace. It just delays the cost and adds interest.

What shifted

We didn't spend the session preparing a script. We spent it getting honest about what was actually stopping her. She was worried about damaging the relationship. About the woman going over her head. About being seen as someone who "couldn't handle" her team. There was also, buried underneath all of that, a quiet uncertainty: am I reading this right? Is this really a problem, or is it me?

That last question is more common than leaders admit. And it matters. Because until you're clear in yourself that the conversation needs to happen, you'll keep finding reasons not to have it.

Once she was clear and she was, pretty quickly, once we looked at it directly, the question became simpler. Not should I have this conversation? but how do I want to show up in it?

We talked about that. About being direct without being punishing. Specific without being accusatory. Curious about what was driving the behaviour, without letting that curiosity become an excuse for the behaviour.

She had the conversation the following week. It wasn't comfortable. The team member was initially defensive, then honest - she was struggling with her own situation and it had been leaking outward. They agreed a way forward.

"I should have done that months ago," she said in our next session.

Yes. But she did it now. That's what matters.

The question worth sitting with

Is there a conversation you're putting off? Not because it isn't important, but because it feels risky, or uncomfortable, or like it might not go well?

What's it costing you to keep not having it?

If you'd like to explore how coaching can help your leaders have the conversations that matter, get in touch here.

If you enjoyed this post you might also like '5 Tips for coaching someone who is defensive and lacks confidence' click here

Jayne Reah is co-founder of Work Stories Coaching, a provider of high-impact coaching and coaching skills training for leaders and organisations.